The 411

Hello everyone.  Some big changes have happened in my life lately- I want everyone to have the same story, rather than relying on the rumor mill, so here it is.

I’m no longer in teacher school.  I was told that leaving was my only option and accepted it without question.  The next day when I was thinking a little clearer I tried to take it back, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I’m graduating with a degree in Selected Studies in Education.  It’s still an elementary education degree, but with no teaching certificate.  I’m sure it’s possible to assign blame here.  I personally feel very unjustly treated.  However, there are 2 sides to the story.  Christ said “with what judgment ye judge, you shall be judged.”  If this is true, I certainly of all people must judge mercifully.  I choose to see that everyone involved was doing what they thought was right, and that the Lord has a hand in guiding such things.

You know, it feels like my life has been turned upside down.  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I’ve always been a to-do list kinda girl and now the carefully laid plans I had are gone.  It’s an insecure feeling, but at the same time, it’s liberating too.  I have been so focused on my goal that I haven’t considered anything but teaching for a long time.  As usual, I was very sure what I wanted and would not be distracted from it.  Now, what if I want to be a genealogical research assistant?  Or how about working in a museum?  And I was blown away by the next thought….

What about a music teacher?  I decided to be a music teacher when I was about 13.  After the whole mess with my arm I gave up on the idea.  I figured it just wasn’t meant to be.  I had a surgery on my arm, and it didn’t heal for over a year.  It did heal, but not in time for me to get into music school.  Now I’m getting myself together to start teaching private lessons.  I can do violin, viola, cello, and piano.  I may not be as good as I once was, but I’m still pretty dang good.  I still love it more than anything.  Only my dad and my psychologist knew this, but recently as I was teaching I was feeling the disconnect from music more and more. It was starting to weigh me down.  I was so busy with school I didn’t have time for music, and my personality, my spirit, withers without it.

As I rekindle that flame in my life, I’ve not been surprised to find that I’m rusty.  I never recovered my technique after my last surgery because I was switched to education before I had a chance to get my feet wet again.  My bow and my fingers do not respond to my thoughts like they used to.  The only way to fix this is plenty of practice.  I’m up to 25 minutes at a time, 4-5 times a day.  The callouses on the fingertips of my left hand are starting to come back and it feels so good to have them there.

I’m applying to music teacher jobs at charter schools.  I feel really good about one, but we’ll have to wait and see.  The one and only thing I know is that God is driving here.  Every time I’ve turned to Him the answer has been to do my best and trust Him.  I don’t know that I’ve ever had a harder time putting my life in God’s hands.  The one thing holding me together is a line from a well loved song  “trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I’ll go where you want me to go dear Lord.  I’ll be what you want me to be.”  I’m trying to follow through on that commitment.  I have to remember that God has no other purpose in existence save the well being of His children.  The universe was created for me (and all the other spirit children of God.)  He can surely get me a job.  If this is right, it is right because it will bring me happiness.

Many people have complimented me on my strength.  It’s not mine.  I have been granted peace, and the love of many good people.  I am so grateful for everyone on my side.  Sometimes I just need to cry about all of this.  That happens once or twice a day.  Then I pick up the pieces and get back to work.  Many people have gotten angry on my behalf when they hear my story.  It is wonderful for me to see how many people in my life truly love me and feel my pain as their own.  I am more grateful than I can say for their support.  However, my caveat here is that the anger doesn't help anything.  I need peace now more than I need anything else.  I cannot absorb that anger and still have peace, so I choose to leave it all together.

I will try to keep my loved ones posted on this blog.  Thank you again for all those that care.  It does help.

Best Friends

I've been thinking a lot about what makes a best friend.  I have 3, but I want to focus on just one.  She might hate me for this, but we'll get over it.  We're best friends after all.  We are an unlikely pair.  Some of our deepest held beliefs are opposite.  Where she is extremely quiet most of the time, I am, let's just say not.  Our political standpoints couldn't have been further apart when we met.  So how are we best friends?  Here are my thoughts so far.

1) The history.  With every trial that I face, I go to her.  I just tell her what happened and she knows the rest.  After over 11 years of friendship she knows how everything will affect me.

2) BECAUSE we are so different.  In some ways I can read her mind, as she can mine.  I know her so well that I know how she reacts to just about anything, except when she surprises me.  That happens most times we talk.  How after 11 years can she still stop me dead in my tracks with a new thought?  I don't know, but I do know that listening to her has made me the person I am and continues to make me expand my view.

3) The trust.  This is the biggest one.  I know she loves who I really am.  No one, not even my family, knows me better than her.  She loves the good, the bad and the ugly.  Goodness knows she's seen all of them, and she's still around.  Victor Hugo once wrote: "The supreme happiness of life is in the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves."  I think she loves me for myself, even knowing my weakness.

The best part of a best friend is all these wonderful things I've written about her apply to me too.  The big word for it is "reciprocity."  I have total reciprocity with her.  Life's been throwing me some curveballs lately.  Tonight I told her all about them, and she listened.  Whenever she does that I feel confinent and content.  She gave me new insight, but mostly was just cheered me on.  I meet her needs in a different way sometimes, but I meet the same needs. 

I hope everyone gets a friendship like this.  They are lots and lots of work.  In the beginning a lot of forgiveness and acceptance of differences lays the foundation.  It's not always easy to make the time and to be as tactful as you should be.  At least I had a hard time at first.  But now I have a best friend that is a rock in all I do.  I have someone who supports me through the downs and celebrates with me on the ups, as I do for her.

I know it's late, but I wanted to post something for Memorial Day. I love our country. I love every inspired event that lead to what we have today. The greatest way I could think of observing this holiday was to reread the Gettysburg address. And call to thank some veterans, but as Memorial Day is dedicated to the ones that died I would like to post both Abraham Lincoln's historic and inspired speech and a link to a song that I think captures the spirit of the holiday.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great Civil War, testing whether that nation, so founded, or any nation so conceived and dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle field of war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But in a larger sense we cannot dedicate-we can not consecrate-we can not hallow-this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which those who fought here have so nobly advanced. It is rather for us the living to be dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave their last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain-that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom-and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth.

I would like to note that I don't think the fight is finished. This is one of those things we have to do every day. This song has long been a favorite of mine, and I dedicate it to my Grandpa Terry who gave more than I could ever know.

Some Gave All

Oh I see!

Vision correction has always been interesting to me. Well, ever since I needed it. So the other night I took out my contacts and went to put my glasses on. I opened my glasses case but didn't feel my glasses. Bringing the case up to my nose, I realized that yes, they were not in the case. Now normally I could have looked for my glasses, but since I can't see without my glasses, that would be kind of pointless. So I can't see to find my corrective lenses. Is it just me that finds this to be a catch 22? P. S. I did find my glasses after I put my contacts back in.

On my knees

I have to say that I like my body. It is not perfect, but it's mine and I like it. I just wish that it liked me too.

A few years ago I got in a few accidents and my knee had the opportunity to sacrifice itself for me. I will be forever greatful, but unfortunately there are consequenses. My knee has kind of a self-serving attitude, and feels the need to remind me of the injury from time to time. Tonight is one of those times.

I would like to reconcile with my knee. I have done everything I know of. Brace, ice, runner's candy (Ibuprofen) but nothing is working. Hey, I like my knee just fine. Why can't it just accept that and get over the leeetle issue of a few surgeries and be nice to me? Just wonderin'.

Date with Destiny

Hey all! Don't you just wish this blog was going to be as exciting as the title makes it sound? Today in RS we were talking about preparedness through finding employment. It occurred to me how similar finding a vocation is to finding a spouse. At this exact moment in my life, I'm not too concerned about the whole spouse thing, but a vocation is always a good thing. Here are the similarities between the two that I found

• Any righteous man and woman can make a marriage work. We've all heard that quote a million times, admit it. But the truth is that some personalities just work better together than others. Sometimes, no matter how righteous you both are, you just don't sustain each other merely because of the ways you are different. Other times you find a companion that you feel good around, and you want to be with them no matter what your differences are. Well today one girl said she wanted to be a mechanical engineer. Gag me, that is a circle of hell. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life doing math? Now that is honest work, and I'm sure she will be happy in it. I'm also sure if the Lord would assist me (a LOT) I could make that work as my career. However, my personality is so much better suited to the careers I've chosen for myself. So I pass up a perfectly wonderful honest career and everything it has to offer, and instead choose another equally wonderful career.


• It's okay to explore. I've heard the statistic that the average college student changes their major 2.5 times. I think this is similar to the exploration known as dating. For instance, I took several psychology classes, and courted the idea of working in a battered women's and children's shelter. This is a very good vocation, but we had to break up because I realized I couldn't do it. I think it is good to try some ideas on for size, spend time with them, and get to know them, until you find the one that is good for you


• I so look forward to the perfect job, and I intend to have it. But that perfection will still include bad days. Some days nothing will go as planned, in a bad way, and I will be handling thing poorly. The good thing about bad days, when you are in the right place and doing the right thing, is that they pass. Bad days will happen early in your employed life, and after you've been there most of your life.


• Finally, understanding that things will change. I have talked to a lot of people about there long-lived working life, and they have all told me that the job changed over time, or there responsibilities have changed over time. Just like relationships change over time, hopefully for the better, but change for sure.

I don't know what the correlation means, but I find it interesting that there are so many correlations. The good news is that I can take all the relationship and marriage advice and understanding I have, and put it into something that is pertinent to me.

Book Review

Last night was very trying for me, and I handled it in typical Jana fashion. I curlled up with a book that seems like a friend. You can become so familiar with a book that every word in it is familiar, like comfort food only less fattening.

"The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" is right in the middle of the Chronicles of Narnia. I read it as #3, but I know most people now-a-days consider it #5, but either way it's really good. The first line in it "There was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it"

This one is about King Caspian, the two younger kids, and their cousin Eustace, as they sail out to the eastern end of the world, searching for 7 people that went into hiding 10 years ago. On there adventures they find a cave that turns people into what they are in their hearts, and a river that finds what's underneath. They find another river that has the Midas power, and dicover the difference between the worth of an object, and the worth of a soul. They learn about what governs a God, and why someone with those powers does the things He does.

I have always loved the personifications C.S. Lewis puts into the Chronicles (i.e. "The birtch was the graceful and majestic lady of the wood, watching the Lords of the Sky (stars) tread their celestial dance) and this book brings that up to a whole new level. Somtimes I get lost in how poetic it sounds, and forget to wonder what the point of the story is. But when you really listen with your spiritual ears, so many eternal truths are between those pages.

I was reading about a wizard (I think a prophet figure in this book) named Coriarkin who is very unpopular with the people he has been given charge over because he makes so many unreasonable demands. He wants them to draw water from the stream 1/2 a mile away rather than walk 5 miles to the well several times a day. More importantly, he wants them to grow a garden, since there is no contact with the world off the island. It made me think that as human beings we can have a tendancy to complain about comandments, but really Heavenly Father's only purpose is to help us be happy. Every comandment ever given has been to that end.

I would love if all my blog readers could tell me what gems they have found in this wonderful story. I would love to look at it from new angles, like the lifelong friend that can still suprise you.