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Saturday, April 14, 2012

The 411

Hello everyone.  Some big changes have happened in my life lately- I want everyone to have the same story, rather than relying on the rumor mill, so here it is.

I’m no longer in teacher school.  I was told that leaving was my only option and accepted it without question.  The next day when I was thinking a little clearer I tried to take it back, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I’m graduating with a degree in Selected Studies in Education.  It’s still an elementary education degree, but with no teaching certificate.  I’m sure it’s possible to assign blame here.  I personally feel very unjustly treated.  However, there are 2 sides to the story.  Christ said “with what judgment ye judge, you shall be judged.”  If this is true, I certainly of all people must judge mercifully.  I choose to see that everyone involved was doing what they thought was right, and that the Lord has a hand in guiding such things.

You know, it feels like my life has been turned upside down.  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I’ve always been a to-do list kinda girl and now the carefully laid plans I had are gone.  It’s an insecure feeling, but at the same time, it’s liberating too.  I have been so focused on my goal that I haven’t considered anything but teaching for a long time.  As usual, I was very sure what I wanted and would not be distracted from it.  Now, what if I want to be a genealogical research assistant?  Or how about working in a museum?  And I was blown away by the next thought….

What about a music teacher?  I decided to be a music teacher when I was about 13.  After the whole mess with my arm I gave up on the idea.  I figured it just wasn’t meant to be.  I had a surgery on my arm, and it didn’t heal for over a year.  It did heal, but not in time for me to get into music school.  Now I’m getting myself together to start teaching private lessons.  I can do violin, viola, cello, and piano.  I may not be as good as I once was, but I’m still pretty dang good.  I still love it more than anything.  Only my dad and my psychologist knew this, but recently as I was teaching I was feeling the disconnect from music more and more. It was starting to weigh me down.  I was so busy with school I didn’t have time for music, and my personality, my spirit, withers without it.

As I rekindle that flame in my life, I’ve not been surprised to find that I’m rusty.  I never recovered my technique after my last surgery because I was switched to education before I had a chance to get my feet wet again.  My bow and my fingers do not respond to my thoughts like they used to.  The only way to fix this is plenty of practice.  I’m up to 25 minutes at a time, 4-5 times a day.  The callouses on the fingertips of my left hand are starting to come back and it feels so good to have them there.

I’m applying to music teacher jobs at charter schools.  I feel really good about one, but we’ll have to wait and see.  The one and only thing I know is that God is driving here.  Every time I’ve turned to Him the answer has been to do my best and trust Him.  I don’t know that I’ve ever had a harder time putting my life in God’s hands.  The one thing holding me together is a line from a well loved song  “trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I’ll go where you want me to go dear Lord.  I’ll be what you want me to be.”  I’m trying to follow through on that commitment.  I have to remember that God has no other purpose in existence save the well being of His children.  The universe was created for me (and all the other spirit children of God.)  He can surely get me a job.  If this is right, it is right because it will bring me happiness.

Many people have complimented me on my strength.  It’s not mine.  I have been granted peace, and the love of many good people.  I am so grateful for everyone on my side.  Sometimes I just need to cry about all of this.  That happens once or twice a day.  Then I pick up the pieces and get back to work.  Many people have gotten angry on my behalf when they hear my story.  It is wonderful for me to see how many people in my life truly love me and feel my pain as their own.  I am more grateful than I can say for their support.  However, my caveat here is that the anger doesn't help anything.  I need peace now more than I need anything else.  I cannot absorb that anger and still have peace, so I choose to leave it all together.

I will try to keep my loved ones posted on this blog.  Thank you again for all those that care.  It does help.