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Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Adoption Feelings

I'm not completely sure why I'm posting this in a public space.  Maybe I want some validation, maybe I just want to get out of my own headspace.  My adoption journey is taking some turns

Many of you know I was adopted in infancy.  The adoption was closed and there has been no contact with the birthfamily since then.  In fact, my parents tried to get medical information when I was 5, but were unable to.  I've avoided trying to find her for the past 9 years because she does not know about my birth defects.  Very recently I realized I could seriously regret not looking for her sooner if the notion hits me when I'm 50.  I don't want to chance, so I'm looking now.

There are several forums online where mothers talk about the experience of "surrendering" their child.  Most of these are very negative and they talk about the horrible regret they feel through their entire lives.  They say they wish more than anything that they had kept the baby and raised him/her.  That is just crushing for me.  I've  had a wonderful life.  The video below shows my husband and I growing up (I come in at 1:03) and I hope these pictures prove I have a wonderful life. I hope my happiness didn't destroy her life. (You can just ignore him;)  )

I don't need or want another mother.  I hope that fact makes her happy as well as sad.  I've always known that she loved me more than most people can imagine in order to place me.  I've heard people badmouth her for it, but they have no business doing so unless they have the strength to make the same decision.  I have always been grateful to her, and even if this doesn't go well, I always will be.

I've always figured she thought about me at every birthday and maybe every time she saw someone my age.  I'm sure if she is still praying she prays for me.  In some ways I feel like I've been a source of great pain for her in the past 27 years even though I don't want to be.  I hope reaching out to her might heal some of the pain I imagine she's been through because of me.  Hopefully it won't crush her to know I have Fetal Alcohol Effects and Cerebral Palsy.  Then again, I'm sure she'll have emotional turmoil over the FAE.

This journey has been an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which is somewhat similar to finding out I was sexually abused.  I am so afraid of what this will bring, but also hopeful that it will be a positive experience for both of us.  This is a sticky issue, and I'm sure it wll be hard for her, for me, and I'm not sure what issues it will stir up for my parents.
All my life, this one song has spoken to me as being from my birth mother.  Right now it has me crying pretty big tears.