Life is great, you know that? Mine is especially wonderful. Far from perfect, but wonderful. The weather is turning colder, which I LOVE!!!! First of all, Tucson cold is just cold enough to enjoy oneself, and second, it is the harbinger of the holiday season. Bring on the carols, the baking, the merriment, and all other goodness that comes with it! I love sweaters and how hot showers feel so much better in the cold than during the summer. This time of year so many people are bursting with good will.
I'm a little hesitant to approach this topic because I don't want to be misunderstood. Recently I have really wanted to have a baby. It started shortly after I got married and the desire to have kids of my own grew to the point where it was most of what I thought about each day. I feel empty inside and my work to become a librarian seems paltry in comparison to being a mother. I'm not sure how else to describe it other than to say I feel empty inside. I know being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have. After talking to parents I admire, I have come to understand that when two people raise a child together (keeping the Savior first, one another second, and the kids third) it can bring a couple so much closer together and provide much deeper joy. I want that for me and for us. I know there are precious children who are supposed to be in our family. I want to hold them in my arms
Since I started this conversation I'll tell you I am on birth control. I have an implant in my arm that is more effective than an IUD. Robert and I have fasted and prayed about starting our family and both gotten the clear answer "not now." I need to learn to control my mental health better, I need to finish school, and at least one of us needs to get a full-time job with benefits (now we have 3 part time jobs between the two of us). I also feel strongly that we need a two bedroom place.
I asked God to comfort me and help me regain my former passion for my studies. I realized I need to be more grateful. I also need to focus on where I am now. I have so many friends who are expecting and so many others who just had babies. I would like to say I love you so very dearly. I love your precious children. If we're close, I feel an attachment to your kids. I love pictures of them and I could probably look at pictures of just your baby on facebook and correctly identify them. HOWEVER I need to step back for now.
If I think about it too much, that empty feeling comes back. I will have my own babies I have no doubt. But I'm not going to have them right now. At this moment I need to focus on school work and lavishing love on my hubby, nieces, nephews, and the teens I will soon be working with at the Joel D Valdez Main Library. The life I have at this moment is wonderful and I need to love it. I promise I will stay up to date with pictures of you and your babies in the moments I can handle it. I am very happy for you and I want you to continue to share your pictures as you see fit. Please keep sharing your joy.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I'm not. Some blessings are mine now, some blessings will be mine later, and some day I will have the best of all worlds. Some (many) of you are at a different stage in life than me, and that's in large part because your life path is different from mine. And mine is beautiful. When I allow myself to live in the moment I realize I have more blessings than I can even recognize.