First Memories

In this post I talk about the mother figures in my life.  The one I only mentioned as a RS Mentor was Sherri Flake.  She truly was a mom to me, and Clel my other dad.  The both passed away in March of 2014.  I never thought I would forget a single moment with them, but now time is passing and the memories begin to fade.  I'd like to write all I can.

I believe I met Clel first.  He was the 1st counselor in the college ward bishopric.  I think it was the second week of school that he asked me to give a talk in church.  I had plans to go home that weekend, so I said no.  He promised me he would ask again, which he did until I said yes.  I don't think we said anything remarkable, but I knew he knew who I was.

One week I went home, and my whole life fell apart.  I returned to EA feeling overwhelmed and afraid.  I needed to talk to someone, but who did I know there?  I asked to talk to Clel merely because I knew who he was.  I don't remember much of what he said, but I do remember that I went in with him and started sobbing about everything that was wrong.  He got me to laugh, which was the greatest Heaven-send at the time.  He then offered me a blessing.  I was shocked-I thought that was just for people who were about to die or in other serious situations.  Clel told me no, blessings are the most under utilized tool we have in the church.  I do not remember what was said, but I do remember feeling loved and valued.

I don't remember a single moment where I met Sherri.  I think we sat together in RS one day.  It was probably the first day, the one where she introduced herself.  We got talking, and Sherri invited me to dinner that night.  Having a home cooked meal at a family table was literally a gift from heaven.  I felt safe and loved in that home, and I didn't feel much of that my first semester of college.  I would later learn that they invited college students over every week, but I'm so glad it was me that week.

I can't remember what I was upset about the first night I just showed up at their doorstep in tears.  I just remember thinking "it's 8:30.  They aren't going to be too happy with me, but I don't have anywhere else to go."  Clel was the one who opened the door and said "Come on in!" with a smile.  I grinned at him and said "You just can't get rid of me, can you?"  His immediate rejoinder was "We wouldn't want to."  Like I said, I don't remember what the problem was, but I do remember how much better I felt afterwards.  Knowing there's somewhere you can go makes all the difference in the world.  For me, EA could not have been home without the Flakes.

Adoption Feelings

I'm not completely sure why I'm posting this in a public space.  Maybe I want some validation, maybe I just want to get out of my own headspace.  My adoption journey is taking some turns

Many of you know I was adopted in infancy.  The adoption was closed and there has been no contact with the birthfamily since then.  In fact, my parents tried to get medical information when I was 5, but were unable to.  I've avoided trying to find her for the past 9 years because she does not know about my birth defects.  Very recently I realized I could seriously regret not looking for her sooner if the notion hits me when I'm 50.  I don't want to chance, so I'm looking now.

There are several forums online where mothers talk about the experience of "surrendering" their child.  Most of these are very negative and they talk about the horrible regret they feel through their entire lives.  They say they wish more than anything that they had kept the baby and raised him/her.  That is just crushing for me.  I've  had a wonderful life.  The video below shows my husband and I growing up (I come in at 1:03) and I hope these pictures prove I have a wonderful life. I hope my happiness didn't destroy her life. (You can just ignore him;)  )

I don't need or want another mother.  I hope that fact makes her happy as well as sad.  I've always known that she loved me more than most people can imagine in order to place me.  I've heard people badmouth her for it, but they have no business doing so unless they have the strength to make the same decision.  I have always been grateful to her, and even if this doesn't go well, I always will be.

I've always figured she thought about me at every birthday and maybe every time she saw someone my age.  I'm sure if she is still praying she prays for me.  In some ways I feel like I've been a source of great pain for her in the past 27 years even though I don't want to be.  I hope reaching out to her might heal some of the pain I imagine she's been through because of me.  Hopefully it won't crush her to know I have Fetal Alcohol Effects and Cerebral Palsy.  Then again, I'm sure she'll have emotional turmoil over the FAE.

This journey has been an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which is somewhat similar to finding out I was sexually abused.  I am so afraid of what this will bring, but also hopeful that it will be a positive experience for both of us.  This is a sticky issue, and I'm sure it wll be hard for her, for me, and I'm not sure what issues it will stir up for my parents.

All my life, this one song has spoken to me as being from my birth mother.  Right now it has me crying pretty big tears.

Mixed Feelings

Life is great, you know that?  Mine is especially wonderful.  Far from perfect, but wonderful.  The weather is turning colder, which I LOVE!!!!  First of all, Tucson cold is just cold enough to enjoy oneself, and second, it is the harbinger of the holiday season.  Bring on the carols, the baking, the merriment, and all other goodness that comes with it!  I love sweaters and how hot showers feel so much better in the cold than during the summer.  This time of year so many people are bursting with good will.

I'm a little hesitant to approach this topic because I don't want to be misunderstood.  Recently I have really wanted to have a baby.  It started shortly after I got married and the desire to have kids of my own grew to the point where it was most of what I thought about each day. I feel empty inside and my work to become a librarian seems paltry in comparison to being a mother.  I'm not sure how else to describe it other than to say I feel empty inside.  I know being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have.  After talking to parents I admire, I have come to understand that when two people raise a child together (keeping the Savior first, one another second, and the kids third) it can bring a couple so much closer together and provide much deeper joy.  I want that for me and for us.  I know there are precious children who are supposed to be in our family.  I want to hold them in my arms

Since I started this conversation I'll tell you I am on birth control.  I have an implant in my arm that is more effective than an IUD.  Robert and I have fasted and prayed about starting our family and both gotten the clear answer "not now."  I need to learn to control my mental health better, I need to finish school, and at least one of us needs to get a full-time job with benefits (now we have 3 part time jobs between the two of us).  I also feel strongly that we need a two bedroom place.

I asked God to comfort me and help me regain my former passion for my studies.  I realized I need to be more grateful.  I also need to focus on where I am now.  I have so many friends who are expecting and so many others who just had babies.  I would like to say I love you so very dearly.  I love your precious children.  If we're close, I feel an attachment to your kids.  I love pictures of them and I could probably look at pictures of just your baby on facebook and correctly identify them.  HOWEVER I need to step back for now.

If I think about it too much,  that empty feeling comes back.  I will have my own babies I have no doubt.  But I'm not going to have them right now.  At this moment I need to focus on school work and lavishing love on my hubby, nieces, nephews, and the teens I will soon be working with at the Joel D Valdez Main Library.  The life I have at this moment is wonderful and I need to love it.  I promise I will stay up to date with pictures of you and your babies in the moments I can handle it.  I am very happy for you and I want you to continue to share your pictures as you see fit.  Please keep sharing your joy.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I'm not.  Some blessings are mine now, some blessings will be mine later, and some day I will have  the best of all worlds.  Some (many) of you are at a different stage in life than me, and that's in large part because your life path is different from mine.  And mine is beautiful.  When I allow myself to live in the moment I realize I have more blessings than I can even recognize.

Frustrations and Insecurities

Today for work we were doing a project where we needed to cut out little squares, laminate them, and then cut them again to make little cards.  While I was happy to help, there was one thing I neglected to mention to my bosses.  I have very limited fine motor skills in my left hand.  I could do the tasks they wanted me to, but I would have to concentrate a lot more, and even then I would be very slow.  Normally I don't mention this because it doesn't matter.  I avoid crafts like the plague, and in other life areas it makes little to no difference.  Well, it makes my handwritting horrible, but that's why I type everything.  Part of the reason this sticks out to me is that my mom said she talked to someone recently who feared their child would never have a normal life because of a stroke in infancy.  My mom assured the woman that though there were challenges, I have been able to live a somewhat normal life. 

Today I also noticed I've done very little to accomplish my goal of being more vulnerable.  I promised I would open up more and I need to do better at that.  For the most part I don't even notice my disability, but today I am definitely feeling insecure.  By next week this project will be done and I can go back to focusing on what I'm good at, but for now struggling is forcing me to be more humble than normal.

First Miracle Since Last Post

This morning Hubby kissed me goodbye and left for work, just like every morning.  About 2 minutes later he comes back in and says "Jana, my car won't start, can I drive yours today?"  That was no problem for today but tomorrow it would be a BIG problem.  After looking at it for a few minutes I quickly realized the problem must be with either the starter or the battery.  The battery was replaced less than a year ago, so my money was on the starter.  Quite literally, as a starter runs around $400.  We weren't going to be able to tow it today, and I wanted to avoid towing (read: extra $100) if we could, since we don't have the money to start with.  I went outside with the intention to call my cousin Calvin, the Car Whisperer, to see if he knew anything that would help.  I got ahold of his wife who told me he was unavailable.  Sad day.  Before I even hung up my cell, one of our neighbors came to me and said "I'm a mechanic, can I look at your car?"  He tried to start it, and it didn't work.  He then popped the hood and jiggled a wire.  Voila!  He then gave us the cost estimate: 75 cents!  Yep, you read that right, 3/4 of a dollar.  The battery needs to be cleaned off with a can of coke.  I tell you, whoever our guardian angels are, they don't get paid enough!

Turning Over a New Leaf

So, I promised myself and my lovely Katie (you can find her here) that I would start blogging again.

I have a problem with blogging.  I love writing about my wonderful, happy, perfect, life and sharing the joy I have with friends and family alike.  The problem is that my life rarely looks that perfect, so I stop posting.  Not any more!  This blog is going to be for real.  Not gonna lie, I have some picture perfect moments.  And I have moments, hours, days, weeks, etc that are not so picture perfect.  And I very rarely take pictures anyway for the simple fact that I forget.

In my quest to be more authentic, I am also starting to publish my story.  You can find it on ff.net or on ao3.org -whichever floats your goat.  It's an Avatar the Last Airbender fanfic about my favorite character-Iroh.  This goes from the birth of his son to leaving the Fire Nation with Zuko.  It's a daunting story to tell, and though I look forward to writing it, I am scared I won't do it justice, though having an experienced beta like ljlee helps.

In regular life I'm balancing being a newly(ish)wed to my sensitive, loving hubby(love!), going to grad school full time(love/hate), and going to work.  So here goes my next adventure!

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Connection Power

Thank heaven for the internet, I would not be where I am today without it.  First of all, my entire degree is online.  There is no way I could go back to school if I did not have online classes to cater to my schedule.  Sure, correspondence school has existed since 1840, but with online courses I get to be in an actual class and develop friendships with my classmates.  I may never have met Shannon Huston in person, but we have collaborated so much over the last two years, she is my go-to woman when I need ideas.

Likewise, I have not met Jee in person, or in a class, but she is one of my most valuable professional resources I have.  I may never meet her, seeing as she lives in Seoul, South Korea, but she is a dear friend and mentor none the less.  Because of the internet I have people in my life I could never have met otherwise, people I now cherish and run to whenever I have a question.

Thanks to the internet, I can access resources from all over the world.  The databases of professional knowledge are invaluable to the communities they serve.  School librarianship exists in many countries and they all do research.  Most of my paper for my class on how children respond to literature was based on research from Denmark and China.  Sure there was research on children and stories here in the United States, but research on how stories affect the linguistic development of children?  That seems to be taking place on other continents these days.  This commercial may be about television, but it conveys exactly how I feel about the internet:

The internet is the focus of my study.  I am going into library science, which is not about libraries, per se.  It’s all about the information, and where to find it.  Now, you can find most of it online if you know where to look.  Google can be great if you know how to speak computer, but otherwise it can return a mess.  That is why librarians take classes like “online searching” “online searching medical” and “online searching music.”  Of course, these teach more than just Google.  There are so many databases out there-and they have so many answers!  I have Goggled “latest research on boys transitional literacy” but I will not find something I could use in an academic paper.

All these things I mentioned help with academics, but education is more than just academics.  Education is learning to understand and apply what you know.  Learning to recite information or even explain only one point of view is not education, it is brainwashing.  Because of the internet any viewpoint is available on any subject.  Just recently I read this blog, which includes information not published in the official channels. 

 The internet is arguably the most powerful tool of our day.  Like all power, it can be used for many different purposes.  While this commercial clearly shows some of the good accomplished via screen, but the following quote by Neil Postman sums up very well how the internet hinders my education:

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information.Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us.Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny "failed to take into account man's almost infinite appetite for distractions." In 1984, Orwell added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we fear will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we desire will ruin us. (Postman, 1985)

My appetite for distraction is indeed infinite.  As I write this, or anything else, I have Facebook open.  That’s not to say there is anything wrong with Facebook, but it is not helpful in me being a better writer or student.  I refuse to bring my laptop to class because I know I will end up tuning out the teacher to take a quiz on “Which 60’s Screen Idol Are You?”

In short, the internet is a source of power.  It is the power to connect, to see the world, to visualize and then realize our dreams.  When I use this power for our own edification, it can be one of the greatest benefits to mankind in modern day.  When I become consumers to the exclusion of building, that is when it becomes power against me instead of power for me.

Reference:

Postman, Neil. Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business. New York: Viking, 1985. Print.

The Truth About Romance

Today I want to address an open letter (that means everyone can read it) to the three girls that mean more to me than my own life.  Lady and ZeeZee, you are becoming young women.  Blondie, you are a bit young for this, but I want you to pay attention too.  You shouldn't be having boyfriends for many years yet, but you are starting to imagine what it would be like.  I want to make sure you know the truth.

First I want all three of you to know- you are beautiful.  I know me telling you that is like hearing it from your mom.  Inside you’re rolling your eyes and thinking “whatever Jana, you have to say that because we’re family.”  No, you really are beautiful.  Seeing you brightens my day, and when I have trouble sleeping at night, I picture your smiles.  You are the happiest, brightest part of my life.  If you know you’re beautiful, your life will be much better.  You don’t need someone to complete you, and you don’t need someone to make you happy.  I promise you if you can’t be happy by yourself, no one else will ever make you happy.

At your age, you are getting less concerned with what I think and more concerned with what boys think.  You want to know you can be loved the way you see your parents love each other, and the answer is yes you can, and you will be-in time.  Now that you’re teenagers I’m starting to get scared that you won’t understand what real love is.  The books, the movies, the pictures on the internet, they’re all lying to you, my little loves.  If you expect life to be like the movies you see, you may be in for a lifetime of disappointment.  Love is not some instantaneous, magical moment.  No no dears, the truth is a million times better than the movies.

First of all, Lady, you recently told me that boys your age are weird and gross.  Yes dear, they are.  But you have a lot of growing up to do yourself.  When the boys stop being so gross (around the time you get home from serving a mission ;) you will be a lot better prepared for a relationship.  One of the first lies you’ve been told about love is that it only happens once.  I used to believe that.  I thought if ever anyone expressed interest in me I needed to snag him fast, because if I lost that first one I was doomed for eternity.  I’m here now to say you will probably fall in love more than once.  Every time will be different and valuable, but don’t think that any relationship is the last chance you have.  There are more wonderful experiences ahead of you three than you can possibly imagine at this point.

I see so many pictures like this on the internet. 

The truth is, when you start dating, sometimes even the very best man will say things that hurt your feelings.  Sometimes he’ll be a dork and say something without thinking.  And if we’re being honest here, girls tend to get hurt over dumb stuff sometimes.  I remember being very upset with my boyfriend’s insensitivity while he was sitting there trying to figure out what was going on.  I guarantee this will happen to you.  Anyone you date will think differently than you, and understanding one another will take patience and effort.  Please don’t drop someone the first time they say something you don’t like.

This is another big cause of contention. 

Girls, he’s not a mind reader.  You need to tell him what you want.  If you’re crying and he asks what’s wrong and you say “nothing, I’m fine.”  He is going to think you want him to pretend everything is fine.  How would you like your mom or I to get mad at you for not doing things we never told you to do?  It’s not fair to hold him to expectations you didn’t tell him.  Girls, please, be classier than that.

This one is really important to me. 

Darlings, jealousy is not cute.  Jealousy is not proof that he loves you, and it is not proof that you’re valuable to him.  Jealousy is him thinking he owns you.  If your guy has jealousy issues, run the other way as fast as your two feet can take you.  If in the future you date someone with this problem, call me and I will leave work or whatever I’m doing to come get you.  Stay away from jealous guys, they will never treat you as a person-only as another one of their “things.”  There are some men you really should avoid like the plague, but trust me, I'll make sure you can spot them from a mile off long before your first date.

Right now, you are starting to have visions of that perfect man.   The movies you watch and the books you read tell you he should always know the right thing to say, should stick with the relationship no matter how you treat him, and make everything better.  When you do find that someone, I’m telling you right now, he will be human.  He will make mistakes and often he won’t know what to say.  He won’t be able to make your problems go away, but being around him will make them easier to handle.  The important thing is-even when he makes mistakes you will still know he cares about you.  The joy of relationships is in overcoming things together.  Yes, he needs to know you are a princess and you should be treated like one, but never forget that he’s a prince.  Expect respect, but make sure you give it too.

I have one last thought, so stay with me for one more paragraph.  All your lives you’ve been told that 16 is the magical age of dating.  I want you to know that I didn’t go on a single date when I was 16.  I went on my first date when I was 19, and I was 20 before anyone ever asked me out.  If no boys ask you out, it is not a reflection on you.  It isn’t even a reflection on them, it’s just the way life goes sometimes.  I promise you all those romantic dreams you are storing up in your hearts will come true, even if you have to wait for them.  This is something well worth waiting for.  In the mean time, don’t worry.  Become your best, happiest self and draw close to the Lord.  Your teen and young single adult years should be some of the most testimony-building years of your life.  Trust God and learn to love yourself-this relationship thing is something you should be able to look forward to for many years yet.

All my love,
Your beloved Aunt Jana.

Another New Song

Soon I'll post about new group love and rave about Only Boys Aloud, but for now I want to talk about this amazing and innovative song.

This song is from the musical Chess, which I have no desire to see-the main character has to pick between his wife and his girlfriend in the second half and the whole concept just doesn't work for me.

That being said, this song is about the main character, Anatoly, and his decision to defect from Russia during the Cold War.  When the press got wind of it they asked why he was leaving his country and he says that his country is far more than the political strife of nations.  Russia is not a place, it's a state of being, and he will always be Russian.

                                                                              No man, no madness

                                                                     Though their sad power may prevail

Can possess, conquer, my country's heart

They rise to fail

She is eternal

Long before nations' lines were drawn

When no flags flew, when no armies stood

My land was born

And you ask me why I love her

Through wars, death and despair

She is the constant, we who don't care

And you wonder will I leave her - but how?

I cross over borders but I'm still there now

How can I leave her?

Where would I start?

Let man's petty nations tear themselves apart

My land's only borders lie around my heart

Josh Groban fangirl that I am, I'm putting his version first.

This next version is from the Welsh Choir Only Men Aloud.  I like the Welsh language, but don't find it any more beautiful than any other translation of this song.  What I do like is that these men from a historically oppressed region are singing this in their native language-that adds some power.  I also love the choice to split the words among four soloists-it seems more moving to me that way.

And finally (you did want all three versions, didn't you?) here is a boys chorus (ages 14-19) singing the exact same Welsh translation.  While it lacks the nuance of the older performers, I think there's a special honesty to it that sets it apart.

I really like the concept discussed in the song-that nationality is more than location.  I know I am American.  To me that means being independent, stubborn, optimistic about the future, and willing to argue my point. I'm also from the southwest, which I think means I'm more honest, less enamored of "fancy" things-houses, cars, clothes, what have you, and that I'm close to my roots-case in point the family ranch.  That's not to say that every American fits this, or that every self-proclaimed cowgirl does either.  I'm just saying that when I travel the world I'm going to take America with me and for me that's what it will look like.

So, faithful readers-all two of you-what does your nationality mean to you?

New Song Love

Okay the title's a misnomer because the song came out in 2001, but somehow I missed it.  This is Lullaby for a Stormy Night by Vienna Tang and every time I hear it I love it a little more.

I first fell in love with the soft, uncomplicated piano accompaniment and desire to play this song.  Then I fell in love with the premise-lullabies are the type of music I would study for the rest of my life if I could.  Then I fell in love with the message of the song.

It was hard at first for me to imagine myself in the child's place because I love thunderstorms; I sit on my porch and watch them all night long given half a chance.  But then I realized this isn't just about thunderstorms, it's about all life's trials, and I'd like to break it down a little.

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

How often are our fears unfounded?  I know I frequently wake up in terror from nightmares of things that NEVER REALLY HAPPENED.  Okay, sure, maybe someday my precious child will get in a car accident and die, but at that moment I am losing sleep over fear for a child safely tucked in their bed.

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

This is my favorite message of this song-that fear is okay.  Whether it's founded or not, it is natural for us to be afraid and we can be helped through these challenges.

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

Trials-the storms in our lives-they are no fun, but from a desert dwelling perspectives these thunderstorms are our lifeblood.  I've lived in agricultural areas and seen fear as the droughts have dragged on, I've seen increasingly more desperate measures passed to increase our water rights, I've heard of feuds being fought over use of water.  These huge thunderstorms mean life to us in a life and death situation

Likewise, we pass through challenges that are not fun, but they are needful in order for us to grow.  Sad fact: you're probably in for something harder down the road.  If we didn't have these trials how could we hope to face what's ahead or to appreciate the beauty around us?  When you think about it honestly, how much of the beauty in your life can be traced to things you had to overcome?

little child, be not afraid
though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight

When I was depressed I felt no love of any kind-not for anyone or from anyone.  I felt no joy and no hope and I didn't know if I would ever again.  The thing was, those things were always there, just couldn't see them.  They hadn't even moved, they were just hidden for the moment.  The moment passed and I saw everything I had wanted was mine to begin with.

little child, be not afraid
though wind makes creatures of our trees
and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand
and I am here tonight

We may know in our minds that these things aren't true-monsters aren't waiting to eat us, people don't often die on the operating table, etc, but sometimes we need someone to acknowledge our fear and reassure us.  It doesn't make it go away, but it makes it a little easier to deal with.  Sometimes all we need is that someone to anchor us to reality and reassure us we will be okay

for you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight

It's a comforting thought that the parents who rocked me to sleep when I was sick once needed to be rocked.  My niece's tears when she didn't perform as she hoped really tugged at my heart because I remember shedding the same tears at her age (and now on occasion.)  Sometimes we all need comfort and strength from loved ones, and sometimes we can give it.  Life is wonderful that way.

well now I am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

It's wonderful that the things I worried about as a child don't scare me anymore.  I used to be so scared I would someday lose my mobility.  Now I know if that ever does happen I can handle it.  I still don't like the thought, but I've had experience enough to know that I'll be okay.  Likewise I fought tooth and nail to keep my first boyfriend from breaking up with me because I had no idea how to put myself back together afterwards.  Now I know that breakups are hard, but I can gain as much from them as the relationship.

I tell my little ones that they will be fine, but when they are still afraid I try to just hold them.  Life must be lived and now they are gaining strength and experience.  I've learned the wisdom in just holding them and waiting.

and I hope that you'll know...

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but I'll still be here in the morning

Now I have conquered the trials I faced so long ago.  I changed my career path, got out of the wheelchair, beat depression, and learned to love again.  The storm has passed (at least in those matters) but so many wonderful friends who lifted and supported me are still with me sharing in the joy and success.  When the storm is passed the world is truly a more beautiful place.

A final thought-think of yourself as the child and God as the parent-I like that interpretation best.

My Temple Experience

This week I had the remarkable opportunity to go through the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the first time, and I would like to share about it.

I will talk about the temple, but skip the play by play because it wouldn't do any good.  If I tried to describe it step by step I would use a lot of words and make it sound a lot more complicated than it is.  The truth is that everything that happens in the temple is simple and beautiful.  The subject material discussed is well covered here and (for those of you more familiar with our doctrine) here.

I think one of the biggest things that helped me prepare (besides Temple Prep class and studying this talk) was that I got to spend the day before serving others.  It was one of those kinds of service that didn't cost me anything and wasn't much if any inconvenience, but I knew I was recieving blessings by focusing on someone other than myself.  (kinda, I got really helped out too, but it's because I was with someone else.)

I chose the Gila Valley Temple because it is so near and dear to my heart.  The temple ordinances are the same wherever you go, but for me I wanted it to be that one.  It was beautiful and I loved every minute of it.

Every person is asked to bring an escort that first time through.  This is so you have someone to help you know what's going on at any given moment, someone to take care of you.  When I arrived my mother and I were asked to meet with the Temple President and Matron to make sure I understood what was happening here.  The words President Layton said to me will stick with me the rest of my life-"Sister Jana Christensen, today you have entered the Lord's house as the guest of honor."  That was how I felt the whole day.

The biggest surprise to me is that I expected something overwhelming and emotional, but it wasn't that at all. It was so simple and peaceful the whole time, and I loved it.  Don't get me wrong, there's a lifetime of learning and growing to be had there, but it's a very quiet time.  Of what was taught, I think my strongest impression was how much God loves each and every one of us.  Adam and Eve were so dear to the Father that he put the Atonement in place for them and each and every one of their posterity.  I am more committed than ever to sharing His love with all I meet, because that's what He's trying to do.

My whole life my worst fear is that if people really knew me, they would not like me.  When I was in the temple I knew with my whole soul that I am loved for who I am.  I am absolutely unique with a purpose and meaning to my life.  I have work to do and I will find myself capable of doing it.  I am excited to go back for the rest of my life and learn more, little by little, about how remarkable Gods children truly are.

For anyone reading this in anticipation of going, I have this piece of advice-don't worry.  It's really calm and you are always surrounded by people lovingly guiding you.  There's nothing to worry about.  One or two things were a little different than what I was used to, but this morning I realized that they were good educational practice, the kind I was taught in college and were not really any different at all, I just needed to get used to them in a different setting.

Valentines Day Done Right (for me)

The great day of romance has come again!  Where will single little me be on the fateful night? I will be spending it with a group of 8-11 year old girls.

No honey for me, no fancy dinner, no wine (there wouldn't be anyway), none of that jazz.  I'm here to tell you that's just how I like it.  Even when I did have a significant other on Valentines, I've never been into fancy; I don't really like dressing up and I hate pressure.  It seems to me that romantic dates have plenty of both.  You want to look right, act right, sound right.  I've seen couples who have been together for years freak out about making V-day special.  It seems like some people judge the quantity/quality of love in a relationship based on the tokens of a single day.

Kids don't do that.  Kids eat candy and give everyone a nice note and just generally walk around being happy.  They know that love should not be reserved for one person (relationships yes, caring no) and so they just share love with all the people around them.  They make cute crafts and cookies, and they party.  To me it sounds so much better to just go and have a good time rather than turning a holiday into an exam.  I encourage all of you (and myself) to be more like my girls.  Show some people you love them, smile, brighten other people's day, and keep some of the candy for yourself.

Love,
Jana

Thankful for my Disability

I had a stroke before I was born.  Most of you who know me know I can't use my right side very well.  That's the way it's always been.  What you may not know is that I am so grateful Heavenly Father allowed me to have this body.  Some important things would be different in my life if I didn't have it.  Take a look:

1) Music

Without my disability I would be a prodigy.  I love music with my whole soul, and if my bow arm actually worked I'd be amazing.  I didn't practice 3 hours a day because someone made me.  I practiced 3 hours a day because I couldn't imagine doing anything else.  I never got exceptionally good because of my disability though.  Wait, isn't this a thankful post?  Yes. Yes it is.

No, I don't have to be on stage.  I have all the time in the world for this

If I had been good enough, I would have left everyone and everything behind to do music.  I love it with my whole soul, and I would have given up any religious commitments to get better.  I would have given up time with my family and friends, I would have done nothing but music.  Except that my disability prevented me.  My high school years were filled with friends, family and faith.  Now, my music has so much more depth to it because I have more depth.  I'm so glad my disability kept me from turning this beautiful gift into a curse.

2) Slowness

I can't run with my disability.  I will trip every single time.  Instead I have to walk wherever I go, and when I do that, I see things.  I see the people around me.  I see the sunset.  I see the street signs.  The world around me is so amazing, and when you walk, you can see it.  I get to be part of my surroundings.  How's that for a blessing?

When you have a while before the destination, the journey can become more fun.  Being slower often results in meeting new friends.  Being slower means being able to support others.  Being slower means I have more time to love where I am.

Yes, I love you.  Leave me alone

3) Choices

Most people have a gazillion options of what to do with there life.  I have a couple less.  I wanted to teach in Asia, but my disability prevents me.  I wanted to live in a really cute apartment with a cool set of girls, but the stairs wouldn't work for me.  I would love to be in musical theater, but my body just can't take the strain.  And I'm grateful for this.

The saddest thing to me is those who give their lives to things that don't matter.  They know what's really important, but they get caught up in the details and loose sight of what they want.  Unlike them, I can't add much fluff in my life.  Every choice I make about my time and energy is significant.  I don't have any to spare.  Because of my disability, the only things in my life are the ones that matter to me.

He is still that cute

Conclusion

I wouldn't wish this challenge on everyone.  In fact, I'm not sure I'd wish it on anyone.  But I am grateful I have it.  So many of life's greatest blessings are the ones we never would have asked for on our own. 

First Week of Work!

On Monday I interviewed for the job in aftercare at La Paloma  I nailed it it at the interview and was offered a job on the spot as an aftercare worker and as a kinder teacher.  Unfortunately kindergarten teachers have to be on the floor with the kids a lot, and any teacher should know to get down on the kids level when talking with them.  When I teach 5 year olds,  that's just too hard.  I had to turn it down which made me sad, but I like knowing I was wanted.

I'm not as sure I am now.  My first day was not good.  I thought I had planned well, but there were so many things I hadn't counted on.  And to be fair, these kids are tough!  Tough kids are my favorite, even now, but I realized for the first time I've never been a lead teacher before.  I've been taught how to set up the class, but last year I watched Michele do it.  I didn't do it.  Now I see myself making many first year teacher mistakes I was told not to make.  I just keep telling myself it's okay not to be perfect.  I was foolish to think I wouldn't struggle like this.  I'm learning.  I just keep telling myself I'm learning.  That's okay.  Wednesday was a disaster.  I didn't get the schedule and my plans turned out to be insufficient to entertain the kids for 6 hours (gotta love the half day).  I had them make paper airplanes but it got out of hand.  That was my bad.  I felt like I spent all day yelling at the kids.  I ended up needing to apologize a lot.  I'm just me, I have nothing else to give these kids.  I have to trust that Heavenly Father can make me enough.  In teacher school we were told that any teacher worth anything at all goes home each day and thinks "what will I do better tomorrow?"  Well right now I have a long list, but I'm working on it.  

Thursday I had so many kids in my classroom.  I finally ended up with an aide for just  the one day, and that was amazing.  She had good management and showed me a trick.  When you want the kids to stay quiet, dim the lights and leave them dimmed as long as the quiet is supposed to last.  It worked miracles.  In the end, Thursday turned out good.  Friday I was going to get there early to make copies of worksheets.  I can't expect the kids to be quiet for an hour if I give them nothing to do.  Technically they are supposed to be doing homework, but they don't have enough to last the hour.  Most of the kids do it in class anyway.  Well I got there a half hour early by my calculation, and it turned out that I was 15 minutes late for a staff meeting I didn't know about.  So I showed up late to the meeting and I didn't make any copies.  When quiet hour came I had to talk them through about 50 minutes of it.  That was hard, but together we managed.

The teacher whose room I use asked me on Friday to be more careful about not letting the kids get into desks and materials.  She also said that she was really happy the kids had me.  She said most of the aftercare teachers just stood there and barked at the kids for all those hours, but I have management systems and I focus on positives and use values education.  That made me feel good.  Maybe I'm not doing as awful as I feel I am.  

What made me so sure I was doing better on Thursday and Friday was that I had so many positive things to say to the kids.  Even when they misbehaved, they knew they needed a consequence and accepted it without complaint.  They all have this amazing light in their eyes.  They all have these smiles that I think could melt stone.  I have about 33 kids and each and every one of them is different.  They have different needs and different coping strategies.  It is so exciting to see into each heart.  I'm still humbled that these children let me in.  When I see them light up, I know I'm one of the luckiest people on earth.

Jobs-where to start?

Today I met with an employment specialist-Jenna Geerson at WEDCO (she's amazingly cool if anyone needs an employment specialist.  Seriously, if you need one look her up) and we got a resume ready for me to apply for jobs.  But, what do I want?  There are so many different things I could do.

For some reason I'm really in love with the idea of working in a museum.  I love the idea of being a docent.  I could spend my days bringing exhibits to life for people.  I love history, I love the world we live in.  That would be the life.  How many of you have listened to me summarize a book or movie that I've loved?  (If you haven't we may not know each other very well.)  The one problem with this idea is that docents are volunteers.  To get paid work in a museum I'd need a library science degree or a museology degree.  I don't have the money to go back to school, so this one is looking less likely.  However I do have plans to start volunteering at two different museums, so who knows?

Teacher Aide?  I'm not really in love with this one.  I want to do it all or nothing, but that's kinda immature.  I feel like I've been working under other teachers for so long now, but I think if I did it I would fall in love with my students all over again and learn to love the job.  I never got the chance to intern in middle school.  People usually love or hate teaching middle school.  As a teacher, the kids with attitude, the kind that talk back, fill my little heart with joy.  I just want to try it, to see if I fit.  Plus if I do it for two years I can get my teacher certification, and maybe still fulfill my dreams of teaching abroad.  Or teach abroad now?  I'm divided on that one.

I've also thought about being a librarian.  Spending all day every day matching people to the right books?  Wow, that's a meaningful life.  To be surrounded by the written word, the stories that shape (and have shaped) individuals and societies.  And then to make them accessible to others?  Just, wow.  But there's still the matter of that pesky library science degree.  You know, the one I don't have?  Maybe some day.

I've thought often recently about being a genealogist.  I've done work on my own family lines for a while now and I love it.  This is fueled by my strong belief in life after death.  (for more on my beliefs, go here.  To see why I got into genealogy, go here) It is a great tragedy to me that people die many times over.  Leaving this life physically can be a happy thing.  The tenderest feelings of my heart surround the memory of those I knew who went on before me.  But the sad fact is that we go on too.  I will fill the lives of my children with the memories I have of my grandparents.  I will share them and try to give my children the strength I gained from these remarkable people (stick with me, this will tie into genealogy, I promise)  But, and this will make some of my blog readers sad, I won't pass on much about my Grandpa Christensen simply because I never knew him.  I don't have any memories to share.  He has died in memory as well as in body once the family line gets to me.  As a genealogist I can bring the records of a passed life to light.  I can share what bare records show about the choices they made, where they went, what they did, who they did it with.  I can make their lives meaningful once again.  I can thank them for the person I am and I can share them with others.  As much as I love the rising generation of children, I also love those who came before me.  Dedicating my life to them is something I could be proud of.

What about teaching music?  This is still my dream job.  To me music is so beautiful, so simple, so complex, so elemental, so sophisticated.  Yes, it can be all those things at once.  It is what I'm made of and I love the job of unlocking the beauty within others.  (Just reread that last sentence.  It needs no expounding.)  I'm more than qualified for this one.  Problem is that there aren't very many of them.  Where do I get a job doing this?  That's the million dollar question (and if I could make a million doing it I'd know I'd died and gone to Heaven)

I like the fact that I'm passionate about all these ideas.  I know with my whole heart that happiness comes from within.  No matter what job I get, I will fall in love with it.  I choose to be happy.  I'm also sure that Father in Heaven has a plan for me.  Somewhere He is guiding me to what's best for me.  I'm just trying to figure out what that is.  Any thoughts from friends/family?  Input is always appreciated and considered.  Now...DISCUSS!

Roommates for Life!

You know how it is when you live with someone, then you don't, then you hang out again and it's super awkward?  Not me!  This week I went back to Phoenix to spend time with former roommie (and current best friend) Katie Sparks Devey.  Have you checked out her blog yet?  Wait 'til you finish this first or you'll never click back here.  When I got home my parents asked me what we did.  We talked.  I was there for around 26 hours and we only spend about 10 of those hours not visiting.  You'd think that hanging out with someone for 16 hours would get old, but not when you're with Katie!

What did we talk about?  Well right when I got there she...okay, I'm gonna censor that one.  Then when Tim got home we had a long conversation about...yeah, I'll keep that one to myself.  Okay, in between all the roommate stuff -we talked about, I don't know- life, hopes, dreams, memories, and funny things we'd heard.  We laughed ourselves silly, then we talked serious, then we started laughing again.  I'll be a little honest and say that my life has felt like a marathon lately.  Some rough things happened and now we are dealing with them.  It was so wonderful to leave all the issues to be with Katie.  I told her what was going on, and she listened.  She's really good at that.  I can share anything with her and she will offer love and empathy and insight.  Victor Hugo, author of Les Miserables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame is quoted as writing 

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."  

Katie, to me, is the supreme example of this.  Few people are as familiar with my darker side and my flaws as her.  Few people have heard all my jokes as often as her.  Few people have more reason to be annoyed with me or be as heartily sick of me as her.  Yet she still likes having me around.  And as for me, I never get sick of her intellectually stimulating conversation (your mom!)  Katie has a warmth and a love of people that makes others want to be around her.  She's crazy smart, but doesn't give the "I'm so intelligent" vibe.  She gives the "I'm so happy to be here, tell me about yourself because I find what you have to say fascinating" vibe that every person loves.

I would be remiss if I didn't put in a word about Katie's husband Tim-this guy!

Life would have been awkward if Katie married someone I didn't really like.  The truth is, there are few people I like more than Tim Devey.  My biggest problem with him is that when he starts goofing off, it's over for me. There's no way I can stop laughing, let alone get in a smart remark of my own.  He's funny when there are funny things going on or when someone presents an idea as funny, but knows when to stop.  I love that Tim always helps me find humor and joy in life without ever making me feel laughed at or like I'm being silly (except when we're both being silly.  Then it's just truth.)  At this point he knows me almost as well as Katie.  They are both just loving, kind people with open hearts and open arms.  And they love each other so much it makes me wish I was as happily married as them.