Mixed Feelings

Life is great, you know that?  Mine is especially wonderful.  Far from perfect, but wonderful.  The weather is turning colder, which I LOVE!!!!  First of all, Tucson cold is just cold enough to enjoy oneself, and second, it is the harbinger of the holiday season.  Bring on the carols, the baking, the merriment, and all other goodness that comes with it!  I love sweaters and how hot showers feel so much better in the cold than during the summer.  This time of year so many people are bursting with good will.

I'm a little hesitant to approach this topic because I don't want to be misunderstood.  Recently I have really wanted to have a baby.  It started shortly after I got married and the desire to have kids of my own grew to the point where it was most of what I thought about each day. I feel empty inside and my work to become a librarian seems paltry in comparison to being a mother.  I'm not sure how else to describe it other than to say I feel empty inside.  I know being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have.  After talking to parents I admire, I have come to understand that when two people raise a child together (keeping the Savior first, one another second, and the kids third) it can bring a couple so much closer together and provide much deeper joy.  I want that for me and for us.  I know there are precious children who are supposed to be in our family.  I want to hold them in my arms

Since I started this conversation I'll tell you I am on birth control.  I have an implant in my arm that is more effective than an IUD.  Robert and I have fasted and prayed about starting our family and both gotten the clear answer "not now."  I need to learn to control my mental health better, I need to finish school, and at least one of us needs to get a full-time job with benefits (now we have 3 part time jobs between the two of us).  I also feel strongly that we need a two bedroom place.

I asked God to comfort me and help me regain my former passion for my studies.  I realized I need to be more grateful.  I also need to focus on where I am now.  I have so many friends who are expecting and so many others who just had babies.  I would like to say I love you so very dearly.  I love your precious children.  If we're close, I feel an attachment to your kids.  I love pictures of them and I could probably look at pictures of just your baby on facebook and correctly identify them.  HOWEVER I need to step back for now.

If I think about it too much,  that empty feeling comes back.  I will have my own babies I have no doubt.  But I'm not going to have them right now.  At this moment I need to focus on school work and lavishing love on my hubby, nieces, nephews, and the teens I will soon be working with at the Joel D Valdez Main Library.  The life I have at this moment is wonderful and I need to love it.  I promise I will stay up to date with pictures of you and your babies in the moments I can handle it.  I am very happy for you and I want you to continue to share your pictures as you see fit.  Please keep sharing your joy.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I'm not.  Some blessings are mine now, some blessings will be mine later, and some day I will have  the best of all worlds.  Some (many) of you are at a different stage in life than me, and that's in large part because your life path is different from mine.  And mine is beautiful.  When I allow myself to live in the moment I realize I have more blessings than I can even recognize.

Frustrations and Insecurities

Today for work we were doing a project where we needed to cut out little squares, laminate them, and then cut them again to make little cards.  While I was happy to help, there was one thing I neglected to mention to my bosses.  I have very limited fine motor skills in my left hand.  I could do the tasks they wanted me to, but I would have to concentrate a lot more, and even then I would be very slow.  Normally I don't mention this because it doesn't matter.  I avoid crafts like the plague, and in other life areas it makes little to no difference.  Well, it makes my handwritting horrible, but that's why I type everything.  Part of the reason this sticks out to me is that my mom said she talked to someone recently who feared their child would never have a normal life because of a stroke in infancy.  My mom assured the woman that though there were challenges, I have been able to live a somewhat normal life. 

Today I also noticed I've done very little to accomplish my goal of being more vulnerable.  I promised I would open up more and I need to do better at that.  For the most part I don't even notice my disability, but today I am definitely feeling insecure.  By next week this project will be done and I can go back to focusing on what I'm good at, but for now struggling is forcing me to be more humble than normal.

First Miracle Since Last Post

This morning Hubby kissed me goodbye and left for work, just like every morning.  About 2 minutes later he comes back in and says "Jana, my car won't start, can I drive yours today?"  That was no problem for today but tomorrow it would be a BIG problem.  After looking at it for a few minutes I quickly realized the problem must be with either the starter or the battery.  The battery was replaced less than a year ago, so my money was on the starter.  Quite literally, as a starter runs around $400.  We weren't going to be able to tow it today, and I wanted to avoid towing (read: extra $100) if we could, since we don't have the money to start with.  I went outside with the intention to call my cousin Calvin, the Car Whisperer, to see if he knew anything that would help.  I got ahold of his wife who told me he was unavailable.  Sad day.  Before I even hung up my cell, one of our neighbors came to me and said "I'm a mechanic, can I look at your car?"  He tried to start it, and it didn't work.  He then popped the hood and jiggled a wire.  Voila!  He then gave us the cost estimate: 75 cents!  Yep, you read that right, 3/4 of a dollar.  The battery needs to be cleaned off with a can of coke.  I tell you, whoever our guardian angels are, they don't get paid enough!

Turning Over a New Leaf

So, I promised myself and my lovely Katie (you can find her here) that I would start blogging again.

I have a problem with blogging.  I love writing about my wonderful, happy, perfect, life and sharing the joy I have with friends and family alike.  The problem is that my life rarely looks that perfect, so I stop posting.  Not any more!  This blog is going to be for real.  Not gonna lie, I have some picture perfect moments.  And I have moments, hours, days, weeks, etc that are not so picture perfect.  And I very rarely take pictures anyway for the simple fact that I forget.

In my quest to be more authentic, I am also starting to publish my story.  You can find it on ff.net or on ao3.org -whichever floats your goat.  It's an Avatar the Last Airbender fanfic about my favorite character-Iroh.  This goes from the birth of his son to leaving the Fire Nation with Zuko.  It's a daunting story to tell, and though I look forward to writing it, I am scared I won't do it justice, though having an experienced beta like ljlee helps.

In regular life I'm balancing being a newly(ish)wed to my sensitive, loving hubby(love!), going to grad school full time(love/hate), and going to work.  So here goes my next adventure!

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Connection Power

Thank heaven for the internet, I would not be where I am today without it.  First of all, my entire degree is online.  There is no way I could go back to school if I did not have online classes to cater to my schedule.  Sure, correspondence school has existed since 1840, but with online courses I get to be in an actual class and develop friendships with my classmates.  I may never have met Shannon Huston in person, but we have collaborated so much over the last two years, she is my go-to woman when I need ideas.

Likewise, I have not met Jee in person, or in a class, but she is one of my most valuable professional resources I have.  I may never meet her, seeing as she lives in Seoul, South Korea, but she is a dear friend and mentor none the less.  Because of the internet I have people in my life I could never have met otherwise, people I now cherish and run to whenever I have a question.

Thanks to the internet, I can access resources from all over the world.  The databases of professional knowledge are invaluable to the communities they serve.  School librarianship exists in many countries and they all do research.  Most of my paper for my class on how children respond to literature was based on research from Denmark and China.  Sure there was research on children and stories here in the United States, but research on how stories affect the linguistic development of children?  That seems to be taking place on other continents these days.  This commercial may be about television, but it conveys exactly how I feel about the internet:

The internet is the focus of my study.  I am going into library science, which is not about libraries, per se.  It’s all about the information, and where to find it.  Now, you can find most of it online if you know where to look.  Google can be great if you know how to speak computer, but otherwise it can return a mess.  That is why librarians take classes like “online searching” “online searching medical” and “online searching music.”  Of course, these teach more than just Google.  There are so many databases out there-and they have so many answers!  I have Goggled “latest research on boys transitional literacy” but I will not find something I could use in an academic paper.

All these things I mentioned help with academics, but education is more than just academics.  Education is learning to understand and apply what you know.  Learning to recite information or even explain only one point of view is not education, it is brainwashing.  Because of the internet any viewpoint is available on any subject.  Just recently I read this blog, which includes information not published in the official channels. 

 The internet is arguably the most powerful tool of our day.  Like all power, it can be used for many different purposes.  While this commercial clearly shows some of the good accomplished via screen, but the following quote by Neil Postman sums up very well how the internet hinders my education:

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information.Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us.Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny "failed to take into account man's almost infinite appetite for distractions." In 1984, Orwell added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we fear will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we desire will ruin us. (Postman, 1985)

My appetite for distraction is indeed infinite.  As I write this, or anything else, I have Facebook open.  That’s not to say there is anything wrong with Facebook, but it is not helpful in me being a better writer or student.  I refuse to bring my laptop to class because I know I will end up tuning out the teacher to take a quiz on “Which 60’s Screen Idol Are You?”

In short, the internet is a source of power.  It is the power to connect, to see the world, to visualize and then realize our dreams.  When I use this power for our own edification, it can be one of the greatest benefits to mankind in modern day.  When I become consumers to the exclusion of building, that is when it becomes power against me instead of power for me.

Reference:

Postman, Neil. Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business. New York: Viking, 1985. Print.

The Truth About Romance

Today I want to address an open letter (that means everyone can read it) to the three girls that mean more to me than my own life.  Lady and ZeeZee, you are becoming young women.  Blondie, you are a bit young for this, but I want you to pay attention too.  You shouldn't be having boyfriends for many years yet, but you are starting to imagine what it would be like.  I want to make sure you know the truth.

First I want all three of you to know- you are beautiful.  I know me telling you that is like hearing it from your mom.  Inside you’re rolling your eyes and thinking “whatever Jana, you have to say that because we’re family.”  No, you really are beautiful.  Seeing you brightens my day, and when I have trouble sleeping at night, I picture your smiles.  You are the happiest, brightest part of my life.  If you know you’re beautiful, your life will be much better.  You don’t need someone to complete you, and you don’t need someone to make you happy.  I promise you if you can’t be happy by yourself, no one else will ever make you happy.

At your age, you are getting less concerned with what I think and more concerned with what boys think.  You want to know you can be loved the way you see your parents love each other, and the answer is yes you can, and you will be-in time.  Now that you’re teenagers I’m starting to get scared that you won’t understand what real love is.  The books, the movies, the pictures on the internet, they’re all lying to you, my little loves.  If you expect life to be like the movies you see, you may be in for a lifetime of disappointment.  Love is not some instantaneous, magical moment.  No no dears, the truth is a million times better than the movies.

First of all, Lady, you recently told me that boys your age are weird and gross.  Yes dear, they are.  But you have a lot of growing up to do yourself.  When the boys stop being so gross (around the time you get home from serving a mission ;) you will be a lot better prepared for a relationship.  One of the first lies you’ve been told about love is that it only happens once.  I used to believe that.  I thought if ever anyone expressed interest in me I needed to snag him fast, because if I lost that first one I was doomed for eternity.  I’m here now to say you will probably fall in love more than once.  Every time will be different and valuable, but don’t think that any relationship is the last chance you have.  There are more wonderful experiences ahead of you three than you can possibly imagine at this point.

I see so many pictures like this on the internet. 

The truth is, when you start dating, sometimes even the very best man will say things that hurt your feelings.  Sometimes he’ll be a dork and say something without thinking.  And if we’re being honest here, girls tend to get hurt over dumb stuff sometimes.  I remember being very upset with my boyfriend’s insensitivity while he was sitting there trying to figure out what was going on.  I guarantee this will happen to you.  Anyone you date will think differently than you, and understanding one another will take patience and effort.  Please don’t drop someone the first time they say something you don’t like.

This is another big cause of contention. 

Girls, he’s not a mind reader.  You need to tell him what you want.  If you’re crying and he asks what’s wrong and you say “nothing, I’m fine.”  He is going to think you want him to pretend everything is fine.  How would you like your mom or I to get mad at you for not doing things we never told you to do?  It’s not fair to hold him to expectations you didn’t tell him.  Girls, please, be classier than that.

This one is really important to me. 

Darlings, jealousy is not cute.  Jealousy is not proof that he loves you, and it is not proof that you’re valuable to him.  Jealousy is him thinking he owns you.  If your guy has jealousy issues, run the other way as fast as your two feet can take you.  If in the future you date someone with this problem, call me and I will leave work or whatever I’m doing to come get you.  Stay away from jealous guys, they will never treat you as a person-only as another one of their “things.”  There are some men you really should avoid like the plague, but trust me, I'll make sure you can spot them from a mile off long before your first date.

Right now, you are starting to have visions of that perfect man.   The movies you watch and the books you read tell you he should always know the right thing to say, should stick with the relationship no matter how you treat him, and make everything better.  When you do find that someone, I’m telling you right now, he will be human.  He will make mistakes and often he won’t know what to say.  He won’t be able to make your problems go away, but being around him will make them easier to handle.  The important thing is-even when he makes mistakes you will still know he cares about you.  The joy of relationships is in overcoming things together.  Yes, he needs to know you are a princess and you should be treated like one, but never forget that he’s a prince.  Expect respect, but make sure you give it too.

I have one last thought, so stay with me for one more paragraph.  All your lives you’ve been told that 16 is the magical age of dating.  I want you to know that I didn’t go on a single date when I was 16.  I went on my first date when I was 19, and I was 20 before anyone ever asked me out.  If no boys ask you out, it is not a reflection on you.  It isn’t even a reflection on them, it’s just the way life goes sometimes.  I promise you all those romantic dreams you are storing up in your hearts will come true, even if you have to wait for them.  This is something well worth waiting for.  In the mean time, don’t worry.  Become your best, happiest self and draw close to the Lord.  Your teen and young single adult years should be some of the most testimony-building years of your life.  Trust God and learn to love yourself-this relationship thing is something you should be able to look forward to for many years yet.

All my love,
Your beloved Aunt Jana.

Another New Song

Soon I'll post about new group love and rave about Only Boys Aloud, but for now I want to talk about this amazing and innovative song.

This song is from the musical Chess, which I have no desire to see-the main character has to pick between his wife and his girlfriend in the second half and the whole concept just doesn't work for me.

That being said, this song is about the main character, Anatoly, and his decision to defect from Russia during the Cold War.  When the press got wind of it they asked why he was leaving his country and he says that his country is far more than the political strife of nations.  Russia is not a place, it's a state of being, and he will always be Russian.

                                                                              No man, no madness

                                                                     Though their sad power may prevail

Can possess, conquer, my country's heart

They rise to fail

She is eternal

Long before nations' lines were drawn

When no flags flew, when no armies stood

My land was born

And you ask me why I love her

Through wars, death and despair

She is the constant, we who don't care

And you wonder will I leave her - but how?

I cross over borders but I'm still there now

How can I leave her?

Where would I start?

Let man's petty nations tear themselves apart

My land's only borders lie around my heart

Josh Groban fangirl that I am, I'm putting his version first.

This next version is from the Welsh Choir Only Men Aloud.  I like the Welsh language, but don't find it any more beautiful than any other translation of this song.  What I do like is that these men from a historically oppressed region are singing this in their native language-that adds some power.  I also love the choice to split the words among four soloists-it seems more moving to me that way.

And finally (you did want all three versions, didn't you?) here is a boys chorus (ages 14-19) singing the exact same Welsh translation.  While it lacks the nuance of the older performers, I think there's a special honesty to it that sets it apart.

I really like the concept discussed in the song-that nationality is more than location.  I know I am American.  To me that means being independent, stubborn, optimistic about the future, and willing to argue my point. I'm also from the southwest, which I think means I'm more honest, less enamored of "fancy" things-houses, cars, clothes, what have you, and that I'm close to my roots-case in point the family ranch.  That's not to say that every American fits this, or that every self-proclaimed cowgirl does either.  I'm just saying that when I travel the world I'm going to take America with me and for me that's what it will look like.

So, faithful readers-all two of you-what does your nationality mean to you?